AI actually said the magic words on Saturday when I was at the hardware store. Up to then, whenever I interacted with someone in public, and I wasn't able to "hear" (understand by lip-reading) them, I would say "I've just had surgery, and I can't hear a thing." Kind of cumbersome, and a bit of a cop-out, I realized. Yes, I've just had surgery. Yes, I can't hear a thing. A year from now, I won't be able to say "I've just had surgery" (well, assuming I haven't had a CI put in my other ear or had some other surgery). A year from now, if I'm not wearing my CI speech processor, I'll still be able to say "I can't hear a thing," but that's what people say when they expect their situation to change. On Saturday, I just said "I'm deaf."
For some reason, saying those "magic words" changed me somehow. My brain, in the back of it's tiny dark recesses, accepted the fact that it's not going to change. Even before, when I wasn't wearing my hearing aid, there was always the possibility that I could hear if someone just talked very loudly. That possibility isn't there anymore. The logical part of my brain always knew this, but it hadn't yet permeated my subconscious brain. It's hard to describe, but it always seemed that I was "almost" hearing things, and if I just tried a little harder, I would hear sounds.
Now, the grim reality - at least for now - I am deaf. Being deaf is even more isolating than being hard-of-hearing. As a HOH person, I would sometimes have trouble identifying who was speaking in a group - once I figured out who was speaking, I could then focus on them and understand what was being said. Now, I have trouble figuring out if anyone is speaking. Group conversations are next-to-impossible, especially if people are talking back-and-forth on opposite sides. I have a new-found appreciation for deafness.
I'm certainly not, however, feeling sorry for myself - far from it. This is just a new, and hopefully temporary, challenge to face - that's what makes life exciting.
25 days left to activation!
For some reason, saying those "magic words" changed me somehow. My brain, in the back of it's tiny dark recesses, accepted the fact that it's not going to change. Even before, when I wasn't wearing my hearing aid, there was always the possibility that I could hear if someone just talked very loudly. That possibility isn't there anymore. The logical part of my brain always knew this, but it hadn't yet permeated my subconscious brain. It's hard to describe, but it always seemed that I was "almost" hearing things, and if I just tried a little harder, I would hear sounds.
Now, the grim reality - at least for now - I am deaf. Being deaf is even more isolating than being hard-of-hearing. As a HOH person, I would sometimes have trouble identifying who was speaking in a group - once I figured out who was speaking, I could then focus on them and understand what was being said. Now, I have trouble figuring out if anyone is speaking. Group conversations are next-to-impossible, especially if people are talking back-and-forth on opposite sides. I have a new-found appreciation for deafness.
I'm certainly not, however, feeling sorry for myself - far from it. This is just a new, and hopefully temporary, challenge to face - that's what makes life exciting.
25 days left to activation!